Take a look in the mirror. What do you see? Your face, your body. Now turn the mirror inwards and take a look at what you see. What do you see? Chaos? Confusion? Sadness? Looking at your inner mirror will show you what a lot of the world already sees. We tend to only look inwards when things in life are not going the way we want, when things get hard and emotions are drained.
This time of year I tend to blame my feelings on winter depression, as the cold, gray days and longer nights are not appealing to someone who enjoys sunshine and summer heat. However this year things are different, and even though I may say it’s another case of winter depression, I know that is only a farce. I don’t speak of my feelings, it is a bad habit of mine, even to those that I care so much about. I ignore them, hoping they’ll just go away, but they only fester and grow into something worse. I don’t speak up when I should.
Over the course of my life, I have gone from being a happy child to an apathetic adult, with issues holding my anger, sadness and fears in. I try my hardest to let things go as it comes in and I do well to never hold in anger. That eats away at me and only builds until it explodes, causing me to lose people I care for. But holding in sadness and worry is something that I still do because I don’t want to hurt the ones I love, I don’t want them to worry about me. I do my best to put on a happy face, but lately, it has been harder and near impossible the past couple of days. People have taken note of my change in attitude, my responses direct and somewhat cold.
I need to turn the mirror around and look inwards, to face my inner worries and fears and let those that I love know what is bothering me. It’s time to make that change.
Words. We all say them. We have conversations with words, think with words, read and write words. They are apart of who we are as humans. From English to French to Chinese. All languages are made up of words. We all say them differently, sometimes with an accent, or other times in a completely different language. It takes us time to learn how to use words, when to use words, when not to use words. Words define words. Words define people. Words can be associated to any thing that you can think of. We say them when we are happy, sad, angry. We say words in ways that bring people closer to us or drive them away. But there are times when words fail us. When we want to speak but nothing comes out. They aren’t always reliable. We fear that sometimes a word might change things in a way we would not want.
When it comes to those that we love we are usually very open with our words. We smile and laugh and the words that come out are positive and happy. When we fight the words become sharper, the tone gets pointed, and it pushes those we love away. But when words stop being said then there is a problem, not necessarily with one or the other, but could just be communication is not happening. Words get stuck in your head and can’t make it to your lips. You worry and fear what might come of the words you wish to say to the ones that you love. You want to speak and let out your feelings but when it comes to saying the words they disappear. They run away from your fears. you lose the courage to say these words and all that follows is silence.
For myself, I reach a point where I wish to say something to someone who I care about, but the words just never come. They sit in my head, and grow into something worse. They make me angry, sad, irritated. I wish to say them but I fear how it may sound when they come out. I don’t wish to hurt the ones that I love with my words, even though it I doing more damage keeping them in so long that they cause more damage than I wanted to avoid.
In the end, you have to gather the courage to say those hard words, to get them out and let those you know whenever you feel there might be something wrong, either with yourself, the relationship or anything else. Keeping in those words builds resentment, and will cause the end of a relationship if not spoken as soon as a problem comes up. It is fine to be angry after a fight, and it is fine to not bring up a problem right away, but always remember that you have words to use. When you use your words you always run the risk of relationships falling apart or becoming even stronger. You just have to believe in your words.
Like ocean tides, life is a series of comings and goings. From friends to family, interests and hobbies. We go from liking something one day to never seeing it again. It is all part of how we change and grow as humans. We find ourselves vastly different from the person we were a year ago, five years ago or even ten years ago. Experiences change us, friends affect how we view things in life, our hobbies can give us different outlooks on aspects in our lives.
These changes don’t happen instantly, nor do they take years. Slowly over time we change our perspective, we mature, grow, evolve. How we view the people and world around us can change, either by ourselves changing or others changing around us. This is how friendships can grow and how they can fade.
Connections we have with people in a virtual world are very fragile. They can easily break after mere moments or slowly grow to something even stronger than you’d thought. I have had many friendships over my 9 years in Second Life. I can’t recall names or faces of those who I first met. That was the most volatile time of my Second Life. I have only one person from those years that I periodically talk to, though the friendship has faded to a dim.
After the years of people coming in and out of my life quickly, I have learned that some people are just not worth keeping around. The friendships are empty and meaningless. Conversations we have are not fulfilling. I have no shame in saying a lot of friends I have are people I have only slept with once or twice long ago, and I haven’t had the time or care to remove them. Sometimes it does get to me, and makes me feel used when sometimes people only want a fuck.
Over the years I have grown to realize that yes, sex is a major part of SL to some, but for me it isn’t the case. I no longer just fuck random people. I spend most of my days at my workshop, building my mesh, stripping at Pornication or hosting as I have done for years. Random hook ups just don’t do it for me anymore, even if it is with someone that I have been with many times before. If there are no feelings there then I see no point or excitement in doing it.
Like the ebb and flow of the tides, I too have gone through my phases. I have changed for the better. I no longer see myself as someone that is just in SL for the pleasure of getting off. I view it as a tool to meet new people, make new friends and expand my knowledge of the world. I have friends spanning from LA to Sydney to Europe. Sometimes these people come and go in my life, other stick around. I have a few close friends that know me. A lot of others that just know what is on the surface. Those close friends are the ones that stick with me over the years, that I never lose trust in and who I care for deeply. The ones that only see my avatar and not the person behind it are not worth the time to call a friend.
It is changes in our life that build who we are. The way we deal with the ebb and flow of the tides of life shapes the person we are today.
So I have been away from my blog for a while, with things in SL and RL keeping me busy, it hasn’t left me with much time for writing. However I felt inspired today to address some feelings that I have about the recent troubles in Paris and the rest of the world.
It is a sad day, not only for Paris, but also for the rest of the world. Not sad for the tragedy that happened yesterday, but for the fact that it took a terror attack in a mainly white/christian western country to get people outraged. Social media blazed with tweets, posts, threads, about the events of yesterday, however other troubles in the world are largely ignored.
Syria comes to mind pretty quickly. With all the terrors that have happened there this year, refugees trying to escape to other countries and being turned away due to what I like to assume is xenophobia. These peoples who have witnessed and lived through not a day but weeks, months of terror, are being denied safety. That should be one of the basic human rights. Countries of the world should accept refugees if they have the space.
It’s terrible that it takes a single event in a major city like Paris to get peoples attention, then most of what they do is tweet #PrayForParis. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that does absolutely nothing. It doesn’t help those that lost loved ones, it doesn’t help rebuild any damages, nor will it give assistance for those that are still alive but injured. It does no good to the ones who are truly in terror. The real assistance you can do is pay attention to the places with real terror going on, that is a constant in people’s lives.
This keyboard activism that has been so rampant in the age of social media does nothing to help anyone. The troubles of the world don’t get solved by some guy or gal typing a tweet out. Until people realize that when others are crying out for help and do something real about it, the world will only become more fractured.
Today is my Eighth year in Second Life, and it has been quite a long roller coaster ride. There have been countless ups, and just as many downs, some loops, a corkscrew, and even an inverted flip or two. That is how I see Second Life. Those that just treat it as a sex platform might not see it that way, but majority that stick around for the rest know what I am talking about. You first get on and strap yourselves in, hoping for the ride of your life. Some people get off and never return, others are sadly lost halfway through the ride and the rest stick around, with no end in sight – until LL decides to pull the plug.
Thinking back over the past eight years I realized that I have been through a lifetime or two of ups and downs. I have been married twice, a few boyfriends, and countless Masters. I have worked at some interesting and some shitty places. But that very first day in Second Life will always stick with me. I was young, looking for something to do after I had moved out to go to college, and came across Second Life. I saw this video (thankfully it still exists on Youtube!) and I wanted to give it a try. I came in to Second Life originally to try my hand at building. So upon logging in I saw before my the original Tutorial Island (yes, that was a thing back then.)
After making my way through the various sections, laid out as stairs going up a castle, it ended with taking a screenshot of yourself, one that I have not shared with another soul until today. Looking back at it I remember how young I was. It was when Bush 2 was still president, the economy hadn’t gone to shit yet and my life as an adult int he world was just beginning. After that first day it was a blur. I owned mainland parcels, tried my hand at having a mall – sadly the Dragon’s Teeth Shopping Mall didn’t take off as I hoped – and met my neighbor, who first got me in to hosting. I worked for her, Miss Maebh Jewel, at Smooth Jazz Club (Yeah, me, jazz, it’s madness!) for a good number of months. I became part of The Gayborhood, met many people there, and sadly drama caused me to give up on my drams on Second Life. I left in February of 2008, unsure if I would ever return.
Over the months while doing my studies, I kept in contact with one of my closest friends I ever had in SL, and eventually in May of 2009 I decided to come back, updated my look a bit and drifted around. I eventually went back to The Gayborhood, and it was there that I met the man who would change my SL forever. My father, Chade Dagger, took me in, took care of me, and helped me to become a much better person. I can say that without him I’d not be the man who I am today. He gave me a job working at Erotes, which ran The Den and Red Lion venues on Hinterland. The Den has been around for years, and I still work there today. I am lucky to have been apart of such an amazing club, and we’ve had so many great people come through our doors.
After I moved in to Hinterland I explored more of what Second Life had to offer. I married my first real partner, though like most SL relationships, it didn’t last. I tried my hand at breeding turtles and Rovees (RIP Petables) . I worked at other clubs, explored, and yes, as some of you know, whored around. I do take after my father after all. I enjoyed the pleasures that Second Life had to offer. I was slave, sub, boy, builder, shop owner (who wants a vintage prim lamp? I got about 1500 to get rid of!) I have seen the rise and fall of many places, some that I fondly will always remember (Primal Forest was one with lots of hot memories.)
Of course there was always negatives to follow the positives. Lying friends, exes accusing me of cheating and just being involved in the most asinine drama. Only that one time in 2008 was it ever bad enough for me to leave. All the rest I had a close network of friends and family to support me, to keep me around.
The most positive experience that emerged from one of those negatives, second to meeting Chade, was finding the perfect guy for me. Met on Australia’s New Years of 2011, still just the 30th for me, Spike came to The Marina (another of Erotes’ past venues) and from there our relationship grew. I was his secret for the longest time, until one day my own actions caused our relationship to be catapulted into a spotlight. It was then we decided to make it official. We have been together ever since. I know that I made the right choice in staying with him when I had a chance to leave. We eventually got married (officially) in December of 2014, which only strengthened our love and commitment to each other.
Looking back today on my eighth rez day, and with some recent drama that I am sure you know of (See previous post), I realize that I have been through so much more than I remember. Through all the bad, the good, and the ugly, I am a better person, both in SL and RL, for being part of this virtual world. Some laugh and think that because it is just “a game” that we can’t have real feelings in a virtual setting. To those people I say nothing, for they are too stubborn and closed-minded. I have made many friends, from all over the world, who have varying tastes and different cultures, and I wouldn’t change that. I look forward to many more years being part of something so special with people who I truly love by my side.
If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing from all my experiences in Second Life, is to just enjoy the good, roll with the bad, and put a bag over the ugly.
It has been a while since I have last posted. Life got busy, both real and second, but recent events have made me want to dust off my keyboard and type up what I currently feel. Before I continue, please note that this post in no way reflects the views of any stated companies, organizations or individuals other than my own personal feelings. I may be associated with them, but I do not speak on their behalf, only on my own.
I am uncertain how many of you know the current drama surrounding the Gay Archipelago. Recently, the current GA Lead and friend of mine, Weylin Vale, hosted a meeting dealing with various topics. One that came up was the appointment of a new team, myself being the new Director of Information Technology. Now from accounts heard from various people, some did not take this well, mostly due to who the new Vice Lead is, Dextrum Boucher, and how the current Lead appointed his new team.
Now everyone has a reputation in Second Life, some better than others. Dex is no different. He has been around SL for a long time, and has built a reputation that some do not agree with. Personally I think he is an ok guy, and his appointment to Vice Lead should help to move the GA forward, and not keep it in the dark ages.
This brings me to the drama surrounding that meeting. After the list was put out there of the new team, some did not agree with it and left the GA, formally resigning. These were people who clearly have their issues with members of the new team and with the way that Weylin appointed them. The issue is that there are no laws or bylaws that state the Lead can not appoint his own team, a previous Lead saw to that. These people that left claimed that precedent should be followed, as if it was some tradition that needed to be upheld that a committee needed to vote in new people to the team.
The issue is that can take too long, and with Summerfest quickly approaching, Weylin needed a team in place that would work with him and the members of the GA. So he picked those that he knew would get the job done, who would not hinder progress to push the GA forward and those that had the talent and skill in their respective positions. My own position is Director of IT, which when it comes to Second Life means that I manage the website and update it when needed. I was recommended to Weylin for this position due to my experience and degree in web design. I assume others were chosen for the same reason. But clearly the old guard wanted to keep their control over the GA, but that rug was pulled out from under them, leaving them on their ass. Their response was to throw a hissy fit and resign from the GA, taking their sims with them.
Others, outside of the situation, brought it upon themselves to comment on what was happening, as people will often do, posting to Facebook or to their own blogs, unsubstantiated “facts” that were told to them by these disgruntled Ex-members who clearly had bias. These bloggers have clearly chosen their side to believe, posting various comments and thoughts that are dripping with misinformation, even when that information was proven false. They then take offense when this is commented on, defending by saying the information came from “independent” sources, yet when this information comes from an ex-member, that is not independent. That is coming from someone who is disgruntled and has a very strong bias against the GA.
In the end, this will all blow over, those who leave won’t be missed and this will just be a small mark on the history pages of the Gay Archipelago. I know that I am happy to be apart of the new team, and will work with those who have ideas. Any that take offense to my own appointment as Director of IT can take their issues to someone who cares. As my husband said, “you can’t expect pearls from swine,” but like all swine, they do make delicious bacon.
I was confronted today with the very sad news of the great Leonard Nimoy’s passing after a short battle with a terminal lung condition; as if faced with a loving family member’s departure I faced all sorts of conflicting emotions while still at work, denial, shock and taken aback with overwhelming sadness when I finally got home and reality sunk in. I must admit that I was the first surprised by my reaction and how deeply affected I was by the news, as he seemed to be one of those people that would always be around.
As I logged in I proceeded to make my way to my friend’s memorial site for Nimoy where I paid my respects to one of the most influential personalities and TV characters of my childhood, the ever logical and cool Mr Spock. Growing up with Aspergers was not easy, and growing up not knowing…
Friends are something that you have in your life. There are always times when you may think that friendships never end, but that isn’t always in your control. You may feel strain and fight and the friendship might end. I have had this happen a few times in my Second Life, and even in my Real Life.
Sometimes you think that your time with a person is over. Friends, lovers, family can all leave your life. In Second Life this is even more true. You may find yourself one day with no friends left due to them leaving, or you might be the one who is leaving those friends. It is just one of the many cycles of life. The reasons for leaving SL or ending a friendship are various, from having a huge blow out to agreeing that things are not working. But, sometimes you can be surprised, and someone who you thought would never be back in your life suddenly pops up again, and becomes part of your life again.
I have had this happen a few times over my time in Second Life. I have had fights with a few friends, and after a time of cooling down, from a few days to over a couple years, we’ve made up and either became friends, or at least talk a bit. Recently I had a friend come back into my life that I had not spoken to in over a year, who I thought was gone from my life forever. But when it comes to some things, forever doesn’t last. We had an interesting first chat, made up, and now have become great friends again.
This also has led me to a wonderful new group of people, who I have had some amazing fun with. That night that my friend and I made up, I thought to not mend anything at all. that would have deprived me of some fun times the past couple of weeks, and I wouldn’t have made new friends. Forever came to an end, and it was worth the few awkward minutes of conversation.
If you write off every person you argue with or fight with, then you may lose out on some fun times with new friends. I am not advocating getting back with exes, but some lost friends are worth reuniting with.
Since the new millennium began society has been in a social decline. No matter how you phrase it, people are becoming more attached to their cell phones or computers and less attached to real people. Everyone has a Facebook or a Twitter or whatever, and people spend a lot of time during their day on it. They look at words on a screen than listening to others.
Go out to a restaurant 20 years ago and it is filled with conversations, people chatting about their day, or watching and talking about whatever might be on a television at the bar. Now you go, and it seems that people have lost desire to talk to the people in front of them, choosing instead to be antisocial and look at Facebook, or post pictures of food on Instagram. There is still chatter, but the noise levels sure have dropped.
This also leads to other problems, relationships. Ever since the advent of text messages, breaking up and ending relationships has become less personal. All you need to do is type “We’re done” and press send and that is it. It makes the person on the receiving end feel more like shit, because it is an uncaring way to end a relationship. The same can be done with friendships. You can have a huge fight all through text without ever looking that friend in the eye, without ever hearing their voice. It makes it easy, but also it can hurt a lot more.
This doesn’t help any in Second Life. There are only really two options in SL, text or voice. A majority of people stick just to text. It can make ending relationships just as easy as starting them. I feel that is one reason SL relationships are like supernovas. They explode in a raging fury, but burn out just as fast, with dust and debris left in the wake. Voice can make it more personal, allowing people to connect in a way that text won’t allow. You can hear the passion in a voice, and inflections, the emotion. Text has a way of diluting that, making it bland and uncaring.
People also have a way of making these relationships public more easily. You have Facebook to update relationship statuses on. You can post to twitter about being so in love, then you end the relationship in the same way, sometimes without the other person even knowing it was over. I have a good friend that went through this recently. He was on a break from his BF, but woke to one day find a status from his BF saying the relationship was basically over with. To me that is a cowards way out of a relationship. It is very impersonal, making my friend feel like shit because he thought things were going to be worked out. Though int he end it is for the best. being with someone who posts to Facebook about breaking up isn’t someone you would want to be with.
Society needs to be more social with one another, and less so with their devices and their social media. I find it ironic that it is called Social media, because it is far from being social.
WARNING: Offensive Language Below. Read at your own risk.
When I was growing up, a child of the 90’s (yes, I am that young), I had television shows such as Ren and Stimpy, the Beavis and Butthead and Rocko’s Modern Life. They are three of the many shows that I watched that helped influence the way I see the world. As I grew up, watching newer television shows, and with the birth of the internet, there was a shift in the way people spoke. Sexual innuendos became fewer, race was often ignored more, everything just became more PC, or politically correct. I feel that is has made society today more sensitive to being offended. You see feminists raising a storm when someone calls a woman fat. You have radical Muslims shooting up Charlie Hebdo because of satirical cartoons they published (whether what they did was right or wrong, they should have freedom of speech). You see the media reporting when the WBC pickets funerals. And you have PETA who takes offense to everything.
I have been against all this political correctness for years. I swear, I say what is on my mind, and I really don’t often care how it affects those around me. I don’t always mean what I say maliciously, but some people just gasp and take offense, as if I just stepped on a puppy. That is how it seems when someone famous is in the media for saying something. Of course Paula Dean said “nigger” in the past, she is an older, white woman form the south. Yet she basically got crucified over it, losing her job on the Food Network and offending a lot of people for something she had said a long time ago. A more recent example is on the current Celebrity Big Brother, you have Ken Morley who was ejected from the house for using the word negro. He is a 71 year old man, who grew up in a totally different era of open racism, and he gets punished for using negro. It was not directed at anyone, it was a conversation about something he had said to someone in the past, but still he was kicked out because of it. CBB even has a warning that there is strong language in the show before it comes on, but still someone gets punished for using a word that has lost a lot of it’s offending power.
Now certain words are not right to say in a public setting. I see “faggot” on the same level as “nigger”, “chink”, “spic”. They are highly offensive. I wrote them out here because if I say one, then I say them all. They are words that can still cause riots and make breaking news. If said around the wrong people it could easily get you beat up, or worse. However, there are other words that I will use. I will call a person Black, not African American, for the simple fact that not everyone from Africa is black. I will call someone a homo if they are being overly flamboyant.
I will not censor myself to be more politically correct. I will say what is on my mind when I say it. If someone takes offense to that, then that is their problem.